Summer blues

dreadfully, perfectly

2012-02-07T04:19:00.001-08:00

i place myself on this dreadfully, perfectly high place where i tell myself that what troubles me could be far worse. i try to belittle my problems, that way i can convince myself i can handle them with finesse. and i do handle things with finesse, i can give myself that much credit.

but then i realize,

I can't remember the last day i was able to say "there's nothing wrong" and mean it.

Why should I wake for the world that wouldn't let me sleep?

For the record, I could say it was the day of my 20th birthday, but there was something wrong with that day too. I was just withdrawn from it.

In cheap, shoddily-written imagery (because I'm not really capable of much more, anyway):

a vine of hatred continues to grow, constricting this troubled heart of mine. it's always interesting to see life spring from stone. I have never been strong-willed when it comes to hate, but I say somethings are just known to oneself. And I know what I hate. Live and love are only a letter apart.

I will never love again.

lost in space

2012-02-01T02:26:00.000-08:00

even the brightest shining thing will be reminded that it is lost in space.

sometimes i just want to be a nova...

in death, a star becomes more beautiful than it could ever be in life.

is total numbness too much to ask for?

10 days from now, i think i'll be glad to be lost of all my senses.

i just hope i don't open up. desperately do i hope that nobody sees what i really am.

it's not out of shame.

i just don't want to bring anyone else as much sadness as i bring myself. for something as persistent as it is, i don't ever want it to spread.

the most humane thing i can do is prevent myself from being infectious.

Anorexia

2012-01-27T04:06:00.000-08:00

Seemingly,
nobody ever really stops being anorexic, they just starve their mental health instead.

I am accidentally polite

2012-01-25T23:10:00.000-08:00

I am accidentally polite
It's not that I'm not trying to be,
I just never want to fight
I ask because I care,
You would doubt and I would dare
Nice is no reason to be scared

Because you're egyptian cotton,
worth wearing and uncommon,
you tear with just a tug,
which is why I welcome with a hug

I'm open like a wound,
wound up like toy,
I'm barking at the moon
hoping it'll come back soon

I am the meaning behind the manner,
and the screaming behind the silence.

I am the blood dripping out of a hidden plunge,
the smile that veils a missing tongue.
I am the one that waits at your doorstep
so you can walk all over me.

we were part of a disaster.

2012-01-16T01:48:00.000-08:00

you are singing a new song,
and i'm on another chapter

a new kind of love
and a different kind of laughter

we were part of a disaster.

but even seasons must change,
the snow must fall,
the leaves must rearrange

i won't try to understand
what we both are after
is it happiness in hands?
(that's not a question,
it's an answer)

we were part of a disaster.

i think you're a part of me,
and the riddle is if i'm rid of it or not

if i'll ever feel that whole again,
or if i've already begun to rot.

we were part of a disaster.

but it's not living in the past,
it's living with hereafter.

Laugh, and the world laughs with you; Weep, and you weep alone.

2012-01-10T00:21:00.001-08:00

I think you'll do fine. You're definitely less gripped by fear and in a different state of mind (from what I can tell, with what little sample of you I have these days) and this should carry over into your work.
As for the other matters on mind...

I guess I'm not surprised she did this. In the back of my head it was a lingering fear, but the rest of me welcomed her back as my sister. I hugged her and kissed her as I would a sister. But for some reason I'm not in pain over it. I guess it's because Peter really isn't, either. She got the boot. She's out on her ass, without a phone, wallet, license, or family. Peter and I fear for her life's safety, but at this point it isn't our problem anymore. Her last memory of the home she shattered was of yesterday. Was it a good riddance? No riddance is. But we are in safer hands now than we would ever be with her in our lives.
Next month (or the month after) I'm moving out of my house, to Porter ranch. It's going to be a very comfortable life. I'm going to be glad to be out of this house - I've felt a lot of pain and confinement there, and I've witnessed the worst of the world there.

I couldn't sleep last night. It was too silent. When I sat still, I could hear a heartbeat, but I wasn't sure who it belonged to. It seemed foreign, even though it came from right there in my chest. And then came the lucid moment, where I felt your fingers touch mine, for just a brief moment. I ripped myself out of that moment and took grip of the side of the bed. The mind is a cruel thing sometimes. Eventually, I was too exhausted to remain awake, so I finally slept.

But these are moments that I knew would haunt me forever, and they're just a part of life. I am an endearing person, and the most sensitive and endearing of us all get treated the worst, but care the most for the rest. When you're in the hands of someone that can feel, and feel strongly, you're in good hands.

I've stopped looking. I never really started, but I've definitely stopped. It's not a matter of vile or malice, I don't hate women. It's just:

I know why guys have such animosity towards relationships now. I know why a lot of guys only want one thing from women. It's because somewhere along the way these guys were cut and left to die, and ever since then, nobody really ever seemed worth the trust again.

Love is giving someone the power to hurt you dearly, and hoping they never do.

I'm not hurting anymore. I'm happy where I am. I have plenty of reasons to smile. I've got a great life and I'm pleased with many people and things. This life of self-realized warmth is where I know I belong. All I focus on is keeping myself warm and everything else I want just seems to radiate towards me.

This is the life

2012-01-07T23:00:00.000-08:00

It seems nouveau heart is finally what you stand for. I'm glad to see this change in you, it's what I had always tried to invoke. It meant more to me than even being together, or even being a good person anymore. I just wanted to see you appreciate the life that you have, and now that you do, it's a weight lifted, because to be honest, I never thought the day would come. Now it's all on you to carry this over into the follow-through. Stay safe, and stay warm.

maybe my condition is that i'm not human at all

2011-12-30T16:44:00.001-08:00

2011-12-29T05:39:00.001-08:00

no sleep for days, and yet i'm wide awake. i can't shut my eyes without being reminded of the statue i see in the mirror. i find no comfort in the depths of my own mind. if this is how i die, i'd rather it sooner than later. it is truly hell to be a prisoner in one's own home. i lie down, but nothing comes of it. i don't ask for pity, i don't want pity. I don't want anybody's pity. physicality is bullshit anyway. i'll be fine, even if i'm not fine. life is just a condition. somehow the sunlight is neither welcome nor vilified. i'm stuck at a crossroads between if i am comforted by the warmth or if it blinds my tired eyes.

life just feels like a lucid dream that i slip in and out of, never a moment where i'm entirely sure if it's real, or if i'm here. except i'm never tired, not for a moment of it. it's cruel. but i won't pill myself into artificial sleep again.

i've felt real pain and this doesn't compare. nothing does.
nothing could ever hurt me the way i've already been hurt. my heart is impregnable and so is my apathy.
and so i don't care. i just don't give a shit anymore. whatever happens, for whatever reason, it doesn't really matter.

i feel nothing.

i am nothing.

2011-12-28T14:27:00.001-08:00

Reach the city steps tonight
Following the power lines
Met a man barside
With eclipses for eyes
And you tell yourself you wont let them touch

Did I say too much did I say enough
I don't know Sylvia
I don't know Sylvia

Circle round the room still
Breaking my will

Know I can't have you here
Someone else on your skin

And it's all my fault for not getting off
And you made it start, can you make it stop?
You don't know Sylvia
You don't know Sylvia

Reach the city steps tonight
Following the power lines

And your skin is so white
Underneath the black night
And your voice calls out for the Coup de grace
When the lights go out... will there be a trace?
I don't know Silvia
That I loved, Silvia
That I loved, Silvia

2011-12-27T03:31:00.001-08:00

am i rotting?

Bolts

2011-12-18T00:37:00.000-08:00

There's more than miles of distance between us
And it takes less than an inch given for this to bust
(it takes trust)

a beauty bolted out from the ground
and my first idea was to bolt it down

it needed water so i brought some down
i knew moderation but it felt nice to drown

she plucked it clean and i scolded her,
because being heartfelt just emboldened her

because silky skin isn't the same within,
her sandpaper is what made it through thick and thin

i watched her fall with my heart in hand,
now i stay here with no place to land

because sometimes you need to settle in,
and get to know the person you aren't with

i saw the rose i wanted to bolt down to my heart,
but the rose needed a new branch to start

i don't care to learn what I could have been with you,
i'm not interested in what i can see right through

i guess it feels nice to say adieu,
i couldn't say the same about knowing you

air must leave you with as much grace as it enters you.

2011-12-15T03:13:00.000-08:00

i like to think melancholy is something we all think we have control over. but i am living proof that it is a pervasive force, and it will find you no matter how many nouveau hearts you, or i, or anyone creates. i like to think the melancholy is only gone in the arms of another, but that's not true, i could feel it's heaviness, even at my happiest moments with you.

i've become so familiar with this melancholy that i hardly think of it as a drawback in life. it hasn't kept me from enjoying myself, or doing the right thing. it's something i've accepted as a fact of life. as a human condition. as something i will not surpass as a human. and human is all i am.

i can find warmth even in this kind of melancholy. under a blanket or wrapped in music. sharing an enjoyable moment with a friend, a lover, a loved one, these things are as much an accessory of heart in my life as my melancholy is.

i like to think of melancholy not as a restraint, but instead as akin to breathing.

you can hold your breath if you need to for as long as you want. but stay that way and you'll drop dead or get hurt.

you can't stay happy forever. sometimes you need to breath out.

air must leave you with as much grace as it enters you.

2011-12-11T14:07:00.000-08:00

feels like i cannot kiss you hard enough
not even if i bore right through you
it's just such physicality is not that much,
past our youth

we're set to be dead men whenever
to leave here tetherless
and at the end of our lives
it's good to be the only thing left

smile for me if you can
i want to have that in my head
smile for me if you can
i want to have that in my head

nouveau heart. aimless dart.

2011-12-07T06:09:00.000-08:00

so much for secrets

26.9.11

when last i checked, staying connected means staying connected.
it's one of the few things that still upsets me. i set it up for you knowing these two interconnected blogs would be the only everlasting, beautiful thing that we could share. but there's nothing there.

i'm pretty convinced you don't even remember what i look like.

do you know why i take the handle 'eyes of saturn'?

storms have eyes. storms are chaotic things, truly catastrophic. but where i rest is right there, among the devastation, in a calm of my own making. in the storms of saturn, where the eyes never shut.

i'm fine.

one of these days, you really have to fucking watch cowboy bebop. seriously.

sayonara, stranger.

2011-12-05T02:33:00.000-08:00

he's been as much a part of me as you ever were.
i felt him creeping in tonight, but a late night cruise and some iron managed to keep him at bay.
he's why i lock the door at night. he's why i don't connect. he's a creep, if anything, because he belongs nowhere, not even within me. and as much as i wish i could be rid of him, sometimes it feels like we're converging into one person.
he is bloodlust, he was there before you, and he allowed me to challenge him by giving you the spotlight. he sat back and smiled while i faded headfirst into you, only to be proved that you were a bigger monster than he ever was. you see, he'd love to kill, he'd love to watch the light leave somebody's eyes, but he knows that wanting something doesn't mean you should have it. wanting and needing are two different things. he couldn't kill, as much as every square inch of his body wanted to. at some points even i found myself under his knife, almost welcoming him. but he knows a forbidden fruit when he sees one.
he's what i know not to be. he's who i know i can never become. he's my example of everything i'm not. and he's not going anywhere.

who aren't you? is there a distinguishable difference between you and know not to be?
or are you and your demon the same thing?

Was it the lightwaves

2011-12-03T13:54:00.000-08:00

The bird and the skeleton represent lovers, while the little girl represents a woman who loved the bird, but resented his gift of love, and cheated on him with "the skeleton" (keep in mind they are representations) The bird trusted her, but was betrayed. He still loved her, nevertheless.

2011-11-29T01:36:00.001-08:00

Mmm Mmm.
Crystal Castles is where my love for you started, this only makes perfect sense.

The Pulling Sea

2011-11-28T04:39:00.001-08:00

The death is in the details;
The knife is from a female.
The heartfelt train was derailed;
The story’s hard to retell.

The confidence is true, but the hesitance is too.
No longer do I feel you, and I’m not blue, and I’m no hue.

“No disparity” is what I tell myself, it puts me to sleep, and puts me at ease.
“Don’t be unfair to me” is what I told you;
You put me to sleep, dirt on my knees.
Then showed me your tears; what a calling, what a tease.
I begged to Be; I tried to please.

But I’m fair to me, and I can tell you, love.
I don’t even care, and I don’t want to love.

Nothing was lost; nothing was left.
You can keep your secret; take it to the grave.
You can keep your image: “you’re hers to save.”

There was a hole when you left; a heart that you stole.
But I filled it with music, and held on to my soul.
You can keep it for now, I’ve got all I need.

I once called it the emerald, the sea of love, the loving sea.
I allowed you to anchor me, break my wings, and still you'd flee.
Your briar chains had held me down, but set me free.
But knowing you, you’re going to drown, and I don’t want to see.
At least it’s with her, and not with me.

Ya Dot

2011-11-21T23:16:00.000-08:00

Today's not a songwriting day. Today's a revelry day - a laugh it off and sleep with a smile kind of day. Today is a day that went well. Today is a day that I don't think of you, I don't care about you, and don't make you out to be of any consequence. Today is a reversing spiral, untied stomach-knots, staring into her perfect jade eyes kind of day. Today's being impressive, living without regret, and being a credible person kind of day. Today's saying I got here without a hitch, without tripping over myself, without being an anchor kind of day. Today's a day well-received, a day where I'm so glad I didn't fuck myself over, a day where I'm not living at someone's expense, or hiding behind any kind of guise kind of day. Today is a massive music library, waking up to the glory of your own happiness, and not defining it in someone else kind of day. Today is leaning on my own shoulder, being bulletproof, and no longer saying life is too long. Today works in mysterious ways, today brings her back to me after 16 whole years, today tells her I missed her very, very much. Today tells me fruits are sweeter when ripe. Today wears iron and black, and today takes two steps forward, and no steps back.

Today's a being very much alive kind of day.

Unbridled, Glorified Mistakes

2011-11-15T17:45:00.001-08:00

Expunge is the word - that's what's happening. I'm expunging my old self. You broke up with me, and I broke up with me too. So sad, but it takes great judgment to see that sometimes, just sometimes, two people don't belong in the same sentence. Expunged is all you are to me now -- and it's not ignorance, god no - I'm not ignoring you. It's hard to ignore you, with all of your unbridled, glorified mistakes. It's hard to say I'll forget you and everything you did, and everything I stopped doing. The past is inherent, but the past is also the prologue. You say, don't let me define women, my actions don't speak for them all. It seems like you don't like to represent much of anything, really - not even yourself. You don't really face your actions and your ongoing ones, so who really is living under your skin? Is it you? Is there a you? Was it Daisy that could keep a secret and take it to the grave?

And what am I? What person am I, when I've managed to brood for months and months, tipping towards an explosive decomposition, and the first thing to make me smile is bad news?

You see, I couldn't hate you, with all your honesty, your repentant woe, your somber silence. I couldn't hate that you found something nice and you were doing something for yourself. And that killed me. The very fact that it is in my nature to find respect for all people is what made it so painfully difficult to walk away from me and you.

But now here I stand, stark and with new amorous admiration for my life. And there is certainly an explanation for everything.

Because hate is necessary; because you and I don't belong in the same sentence, or even on the same planet. Because honesty and dishonesty are like oil and water.

Is it her mission, too, to love you so much she'll hope you can learn to love yourself?

Why don't you ask her.

2011-11-14T01:46:00.000-08:00

I'd call it a mask, but it fits you all too well.
Two colors are here, yet only one story to tell.
I'll leave you falling into your passion pit.
Charred by your lust, I'll climb where you fell.

You poor being, you wouldn't know compassion if it was the only word you could say.

2011-11-06T17:41:00.001-08:00

That show of character was the best thing that ever happened to me.

Someone said it better than I could.

2011-11-05T00:53:00.000-07:00

"They didn't even have the wherewithal to wait,
it was like you didn't even fucking exist,
and that's the worst thing about it."

If only not at all.

2011-11-03T20:27:00.000-07:00

I can't catch it

2011-10-27T10:27:00.000-07:00

Home was you.
Goodbye.

winner stinger

2011-10-13T12:04:00.000-07:00

I was woken by a bug
that stung me deep,
killed me in my sleep

it’s a healthy wound,
I am not consumed,
The clock will move

My monster doesn’t lie,
There is nothing to hide,
If there is nothing inside

I could orchestrate a crash
That would make more sense,
And hurt a whole lot less

Now there’s no space to stand still,
Else I’ll feel completely ill-willed,
And we don’t need more blood to spill

Setsu No Rensa

2011-10-12T21:00:00.001-07:00

Seeking the swan dive

I have contrived no fear of knives,

Only a gripping phobia of being alive.

Tonight I learn to hate my hostess

and become a chain of roses

Setsu No Rensa.

Generic Post #1

2011-10-11T20:48:00.001-07:00

how the fuck did luis and zal outlast us?

rofl.

that's fucking depressing.

The Living Poem

2011-09-15T01:04:00.000-07:00

This will continue to grow as long as I live.

-2.sep

Fly as high as your broken wind will take you. If all you want is height, you're there. Without your silver feather, you'll fall, beware.

-3.sep

my fate says the hate stays, kills my mind while the day fades. if i have to stay awake, i'll live in sound. turn the music up and life down

-3.sep
so you search your heart, and find friction. out of that you carve a new place to live in, now find out if it's something you can live with

-4.sep

What if I was wrong, what if I could penetrate the risky sky; we'll never know, because i never learned to fly

-4.sep

and saturn's got eyes, sure; they're sitting alone in the storms you made

-5.sep

maybe life looks great, but i can't see it. maybe if prunes could be grapes, i'd feel it. maybe if you would stay awake, i'd heal it.

-5.sep

if you'd like to listen, explain away; if you're here to ripen, put your seeds away; if you're here to talk, i'm here to stay.

-5.sep

if you could find my soul, i'd like it back; it's a heart you stole, and a heart i lack; i'm the boy you broke with your last attack

-6.sep

i drove through ghosts and snakes to get here, only to find a new road and old fear

-6.sep

you cling to the things you that never wanted, i sent you my soul but you never responded

-11.sep

weep / sleep. guilt comes in waves and leaves in ways that make you pray that it would stay. your actions define you and guilt reminds you.

-14.sep

Do my eyes deceive me, or is the sky beneath me? Is this how you treat me, or do you want to beat me?

-15.sep

you try to soothe the pain by putting poison in it's veins. you'll seek it out, hold it down and watch it die. all for your precious lie.

-16.sep

choke down the truth, if you can stand the taste. swallow it down, with haste. you'll see how hard it is to swallow empty space.

-21.sep

We lived our lives like sand and snow. I flowed through hands, and so you glowed. I'll carry on and make it known, a heart for you was never slow.

-22.sep

Before, you were the warmth in my arms, I was the moon in your stars. Now we’re stuck, an end with no start and a brain with no heart.

-1.oct

the whore that's yours, in the allegory. you didn't write it, but it tells the story. i wouldn't read it and mean it, not till the mourning.

-8.oct

No blessings for the broken, no morning for when I've woken. No sun for the shining, no time for the dying.

(bullet) Youve got got your vicegrip, your sugar and your tight lip; if he doesnt like it then he's going to bite it, knowing youve tried it

Bemoaning the firetip, owning up to the fired click, you've gone ahead with it, carrying on in spite of this. Sometimes I wish you missed.

-6.nov

You're not looking both ways because you're not on either side. I might be lost in space, but at least I'm not stuck in your divide.

-8.nov

Sweeter pianos, bells, and strums, louder than any voice ever tried to be. If only I could speak to you like you speak to me.

parallel

2011-09-12T02:21:00.000-07:00

these two trains may run on different tracks but they're always parallel.

today i watched forrest gump, and a lot of it is so identifiable to me.

jenny: why are you so good to me?

forrest: because you're my girl.

jenny: i am your girl. i'll always be your girl.

forrest: why don't you love me? i may not be a smart man, but i know love.

we may not ever meet again, but you'll always be my girl.

even if my train's not on the same tracks as yours.

I love you and miss you dearly.

soldier on, dear lover. soldier on.

Powerlines

2011-09-11T01:04:00.001-07:00

Can hearts beat without blood,

is a powerline so shocking?

Please don't act so surprised

seeing that i've been kind,

despite the hard times

you are nothing but an artifact

of a failed friendship,

you saw what you wanted,

but you wouldn't act, you sat back

and let your heart launch it's attack

your heart is a fossil, and your guilt is colossal

the pain is immense, and your new lover is tense

she doesn't know how to hold you,

she'll scold you, mold you, and say she told you

Can hearts beat without blood,

is a powerline so shocking?

Do you know what it's like to hit the ground,

when your home is in the sky?

When your wings are still broken,

you're shattered, still can't fly?

With your smoking gun,

you told her she was the one.

Convinced her you were fun,

convinced her you were numb?

Can a heart beat without blood,

could you handle the red flood?

Is a powerline so shocking,

When it's connecting you and me,

when it's destroying what you love?

Your Beauty is Ugly

2011-08-21T18:33:00.001-07:00

Do you have the heart to kill one person to save another?

To tell yourself you want one over the other?

Can you hear the bells and whistles of mistakes and what is fickle?

Your beauty is a broken boy with his lonely toy.

Your beauty is a bleeding bird with a heart so stirred.

Your beauty is breaking down and burning up

the house you built on false promises and false positives.

I can't say if I'm angry or hurt,

lying here in my shiny pile of dirt

All I know is it's a monster you've made,

something that should never have seen the light of day

I'll soldier on through your sweet disposition,

find my moment to rest and change positions

and wake up a new phoenix with new ambitions

Your beauty is a cracked pearl nested off the face of the world.

Your beauty replacing my nerves with her curves

Your beauty is putting pleasure on a pedestal,

so you can have your kiss and be unbearable.

Temper Trap - Rest

2011-08-21T15:06:00.001-07:00

Ooh baby Ooh baby
Bereaved lady
Ooh baby

Ooh baby Ooh baby
He carved you like a stone
Then left your side
Stop Stop

Ooh baby
Slow steady
Heaven's waiting
For you baby

Ooh baby Ooh baby
He took your soul
And left you out to dry
Stop

Now, you're home free at last
And the cracking whip
That howled
And scarred your back
Has stopped
Ooh It stopped

Ooh baby Ooh baby
Love baby
Your, your only crime
Ooh baby
Stop Stop

Ooh baby Ooh baby
Love baby
Your, your only crime
Ooh baby
Stop Stop

Red Box of Blues

2011-08-20T17:08:00.000-07:00

I’ll give to you my little red box of blues,

So you can see too what I’ve been holding for you,

So you have something to hold on to and remember it’s true

Please wear those beads, they mean much to me.

There doesn’t seem to be a right way to do things,

or a right way to see.

"But penguin please, don’t break my wings"

I know I’m not the best of men, I can’t love like a woman does

But I know how to love like I do.

I really wish life wasn't so complicated with so many bends and sudden ends,

it makes me hate it as i watch it fade in and get so jaded.

||Sweet Disposition||

A moment, a love

A dream aloud

A kiss, a cry

Our rights, our wrongs

A moment, a love

A dream aloud

A moment, a love

A dream aloud

So stay there

Because I’ll be coming over

And while our blood’s still young

It’s so young

It runs

And we won’t stop till it’s over

Won’t stop to surrender

I woke up

2011-08-14T12:17:00.000-07:00

Pretty interesting dream about you a few nights ago. I normally don’t believe that kind of symbolism, but it was a reassuring dream. Very simple, not much flair. I made a huge deal about trying to catch a train that you were on, not for you, but because of where it was going. I wanted to go somewhere with you, on that train. Being on that specific train, with you specifically meant the world to me. I worked my ass off to get to it and in the end, I just couldn’t bring myself to get on. I saw you sitting there smiling, but I stood just outside the doors as they closed. The train rode away. I felt very odd for a moment because I was trying to understand why I did that, but moments later, I got on the next train and woke up.

Amputations

2011-08-07T18:12:00.000-07:00

Glenn Turner sample: "And if we seem nutty to you and if we seem like an odd ball to you, just remember one thing. The mighty oak tree was once a nut just like me."

And if it was just how you wanted
You’d be glued to his bones and his brainstem
And changing your image and attitudes
Won’t bring him back into your bedroom

Amputating as he’s waiting
Amputating
He’s unresponsive ‘cause you’re irresponsible

Little swinger, your bottle is thinking too much
‘Cause you’re aiming to please way off target
And I’ll tell you what you must already know
Of amputating that too slow

Amputating as he’s waiting
Amputating
He’s unresponsive ‘cause you’re irresponsible

Amputating as he’s waiting
Amputating
He’s unresponsive ‘cause you’re irresponsible

Amputating as he’s waiting
Amputating
He’s unresponsive ‘cause you’re irresponsible

Glenn Turner sample: "And I pray to God that one day, He will grant me the power to reach out and hold my hand over your head and give you instant belief, 'cause you don't have instant belief. You've been hooked, you've been crooked, you've been lied to so many times, that you're suspicious-minded. And when the right thing comes along, you don't believe in it. When I'm coming in knocking on the front door, you're out the back door looking for four leaf clovers. And when you find it, you think somebody planted it there to fool you. 'Whats the angle?' You look for an excuse. In this modern day and age we have instant coffee and instant tea--instant disbelief. Thats the reason we will never become anything--it is because we will never believe in ourselves. We will always listen to the mass majority. If everybody's making fun of you and criticizing you, then you know you're on the right track. Cause most people ain't got it."

today i remembered

2011-08-07T11:42:00.000-07:00

"one day I will have his last name..."

but you don't want it!

why embrace and create meaning if you're going to trample it.

your love is conditional.

and yet i miss you. I wish I could understand my heart.

live and let live

2011-08-04T03:42:00.000-07:00

I will wash off of you like a voice in the wind,

Though you stood colorless, you wouldn’t let me in

I salute you and all you wouldn’t stand for,

Shutting me out and closing that warm door.

You’ve changed into something I can’t taste,

A person who keeps running and looks to escape,

Leaving the love behind, promises erased

My lips were pursed and my heart was waiting

For that day you’d see me as more than a plaything

I thought that maybe, somehow, someday, some way

You’d give me some worth and destroy my dismay

But you destroyed me and my innocence.

You turned me into this.

I hope to god you can live with it.

I’ll stand and forgive, “live and let live”.

this is the meaning of support.

2011-07-27T01:55:00.001-07:00

aaron: especially with great guys like you

ricky: d'aww thanks

aaron: serious

aaron: you see the good in everyone

aaron: and so you end up with a not so great girl

aaron: and fall in love

aaron: and stay with her

ricky: :c

Ricky: Well aaron

Ricky: she is beautiful inside, but i see that more than she can

Ricky: and more than she probably ever will

Ricky: i mean on aug 19th when the break is over, and we decide to either break up or not,

Hernan Rodriguez: smarter

Hernan Rodriguez: funnier..

Ricky: im going to be fine with wahtever happens

Hernan Rodriguez: my suggestion bro honestly..

Ricky: becuz if we do get back together? i'll have the power

Hernan Rodriguez: dont stay with her..

Ricky: to just leave her if im not happy with her effort

Hernan Rodriguez: why go thru that..

Ricky: well i have a month to think that through

Hernan Rodriguez: you said it yourself..

Ricky: and again, remember

Hernan Rodriguez: she doesnt deserve you..

Ricky: i do still love her even now

Ricky: even though she broke my heart,

Ricky: i won't ever stop,

Ricky: so if she WANTS the chance i'll give it to her

Ricky: but as of right now she doesnt want a chance

Ricky: she could later - who knows

Hernan Rodriguez: still got hope rick..

Ricky: on aug 19th im going to be like let's go on a date

Ricky: i'll see how the date goes

Ricky: if i don't like it then i won't stick with it

Ricky: i'm in a good position right now, im happy that we're apart and probably breaking up

Ricky: its not hope

Ricky: im just being honest with myself, if she wants to do it then i won't stop her, but it doesn't look like that

Hernan Rodriguez: i think it is because you still want it to work..

Hernan Rodriguez: maybe it could i dont know ..

Hernan Rodriguez: but with my situation..

Ricky: of course i do but i've accepted that it more than likely can't unless she really has a flipped perspective after not being with me for a while

Ricky: well that's high school bro, you were younger

Ricky: remember we are two diff people

Hernan Rodriguez: i finally came to the realization that shit wasnt going to work and it never would .. so i let her go.. now she wants me .. and i dont need her .. i found someone new..

Ricky: yeah if i do then i do

Ricky: im just saying

Hernan Rodriguez: yeap..

Ricky: she still means a lot to me and always will

Ricky: she's got a special place

Ricky: but i'm not stupid now

Ricky: rather not blind to her darkside now

Hernan Rodriguez: you got a fucking heart rick ..

Ricky: if anything, yeah

Ricky: i do

Hernan Rodriguez: dont let her step on it thats all im saying..

Ricky: let me tell you somethin

Hernan Rodriguez: cuz ive had mine stepped on .. and that shit does not feeel good..

Ricky: im bulletproof now

Ricky: she's done her worst

Hernan Rodriguez: multiple times by the same girl..

Ricky: whatever she does from now on can't hurt me as much as she already has

Hernan Rodriguez: and it got to the point where i had ENOUGH..

Hernan Rodriguez: thats good : )

Ricky: her not wanting to be with me like ever

Ricky: is not going to hurt me

Ricky: it's her loss

bulletproof

2011-07-27T00:27:00.001-07:00

Thanks for the heartbreak, heartache;

what you've done is make me bulletproof,

now my confidence is through the roof

you made a big mistake

telling me the love was fake

it just took a moment's focus

i was the best thing you never noticed

beats over bars

2011-07-06T02:20:00.001-07:00

Slender and shattering like the fresh washed, filthy glass of blood-red wine,

She consumes like air from the cup like the soul from my body,

So vehemently intrigued by her form and grace, inherently good in image yet

Satanic in intention

Running on like the longest sentence, putting a man away in her blood-soaked silver jail,

Sweet smells drifting in through the bars of the outward looking window,

Feeling backwards and distraught by the locking doors and the ring they tie around my innocent finger,

Who could not see outside of the tunnel, or know worth beyond why worth is defined

Before I Kick The Bucket

2011-06-29T03:24:00.000-07:00

My list of cool shit I want to do in my life (because calling it a bucket list is too pessimistic for nofal)

1. Hold the moon in my hands

2. Throw a surprise party

3. Write and finish a 300+ page book

4. Gain and lose 30 pounds over 6 months

5. Shake hands with a war veteran

6. Train a dog to play dead

7. Run a marathon

8. Catch, prepare and eat my own fish

From fountain to funnel

2011-06-12T23:48:00.001-07:00

All your eyes see are tunnels

I show one hundred different pathways

But to you it’s just hearsay

Did you ever point your eyes my way?

I only had you on my day.

Today is not the first time I’ve felt it,

It’s been a month in and I’ve spelt it,

Lived it and held it.

Till the day I get to hear you, see you and feel you

I’ll try not to need you, hold you back or precede you

I wear this veil of silence and I’m trying my best to try this,

Trying to place myself beside it, yet I find myself inside it

Four more days to the rapture, into your chest so that I might capture

A glimpse of what I might hold, a vision of what it feels to be bold

I feel I’m on the threshold of something that I’ve been told

A better way to live on, tired of having to step down

From fountain to funnel

2011-05-25T12:02:00.001-07:00

Daisy:

He's stupid. read what i wrote and tell me i blew that shit up all over his face... like a dirty sanchez >:{D

http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_71vFelCcaEE/ShJ9h3RKPdI/AAAAAAAAAGc/A25McEZN4j8/s1600/dirty_sanchez.jpg

stay

2011-05-05T12:49:00.001-07:00

What a terrible thing to say

You can’t ask me to fly away

And I know I’ll fight and pray,

And I’ll try and make you stay

I know I’ll find a way

And It’s been a good two years,

With lots of love and lots of tears

And now you’ve got no time for me

And I feel hopeless and alone,

Sitting cold in my small home

Not a word to help me through,

Not a push, or I love you

There is no way, no glowing flower

No way I’ll find the power

I won’t survive, not tonight

There is no shine, there’s nothing bright

No goodnight, no will to fight

It’s just me and me for life

2010-12-07T03:16:00.001-08:00

Something about static

It's there, I'm here, you're there, we're where it is.

Gyrate, circulate, extrapolate and almost in an instant, find direction.

Could it be that you were going in circles but moving forward?

You were moving, moving, moving. Emphatically. Eyes shut.

Your head bobbed with the rhythm of the track. It felt so right.

We stepped forward, onward. Walked right past it.

Felt it coursing through our veins, reaching out from our skin.

It hurts to touch you, static.

Buzzing, beaming, interrupting. It hurts to love you, static.

But you're life. Living, motile. Existent. Not all there, but wherever you need to be.

Uncertain, destructive, painful steps. Each footprint will last a lifetime. I will know where you went and you will know where you burned.

In my mind, in the sky, in my heart, riding the wind.

I can hear your voice, vain and clamoring. But I cannot make out what you speak. It is not a language I know; not one I could ever learn.

Erratic on occasion, spontaneous, jolting forth and making your will fact.

As you gently fall from the sky, like a rigid feather, so too follows your voice, your meaning.

I saw you that day, among the daisies, lilies, lilacs, violets. Your dichromatic eyes were mesmerizing, your voice enamored in cause and timidity. Your cheeks were red, and you skipped away with a smile, bouncing from exploding star to exploding star. Your supernova trail left me heartbroken, awestruck, confused. In your flowing hair, the universe trailed behind. Planets, stars, specs, glitter and glamor splashed upon the darkness surrounding you.

The full moon set that night and never rose again.

Bye?

2010-10-30T02:44:00.001-07:00

This feels a lot like an ultimatum.

I noticed it happened again today.

I love you, but if you remain consistent with that behavior, I don't want to keep this going.

The analogy I want to use is real ugly, so I'll leave it be.

There isn't a thing in this relationship that has to do with me.

When I feel down, the conversation somehow always ends up with us talking about your problems, your feelings, and you.

I know what you're doing and you know what you're doing. I'm asking you now, for the last time, stop it.

I should not have to rely on music to be my only emotional crutch in the world. If I can't confide in you, what are you to me?

It's time that you understand we're not kids. I am human. I have problems. My problems are your problems, yours are mine.

Our days are limited. If we are not spending them in happiness or the pursuit thereof, we are not living. I'm sorry that it is an inconvenience to you, but I want to live.

And believe me, as much as you hate being a student, you are not going to be happy if you treat it as a task.

Why does this feel like goodbye?

2010-10-15T03:29:00.001-07:00

Two Door Cinema Club - What You Know

Miike Snow - Black & Blue

The Temper Trap - Down River

White Lies - Nothing Is For Ever

Darwin Deez - Constellations

Vampire Weekend - Oxford Comma

Broken Bells - The Ghost Inside

Laura Marling - What He Wrote

Klaxons - Golden Skans

Slaraffenland - Paranoid Android

Björk - Wanderlust

Christopher O'Riley - Paranoid Android

2010-10-08T19:56:00.001-07:00

I don't know where I'm going.

In the middle of nowhere

2010-09-23T01:16:00.000-07:00

It brings me back.

Those were the days that I’d like to call “In the middle of nowhere.”

Struggling to get over an obsession, toying with a girl’s heart for my own lustful desires, and then backing out of it all. Of course I put on my headphones and smiled. In a world where I could feel nothing, Voices brought me joy. The joy of blocking out the world and keeping myself from being a part of it. It was my barrier, and my barrier’s batteries lasted quite long. That’s as early as I can remember music bringing me some real bliss. It also transitions into a more well-defined middle of nowhere, my junior year. If only I could remember any of it. I slept through the majority of my day due to deciding on not challenging myself the semester prior, in my truly apathetic phase.

I say I was depressed, but it really wasn’t depression that 10^th year, it was boredom. I was so bored I had nothing to identify myself with. Nobody to identify myself with. Here I was, in the 9^th grade, some quiet kid with a few friends that I tried to mesh with but simply couldn’t. They were too geeky for even my taste. Here I was, acne-ridden, naïve, thoughtless. And my personality hadn’t developed quite yet. So I saw these kids that strived for attention and got it. These kids I fervently hated yet, when someone asked me if I was emo, I readily answered “yes” in hopes that it would invoke some interest or curiosity. It didn’t, though. All I gave myself was a tag. I wasn’t even sad. I was just asking stupid questions and answering stupidly, even though I knew I was pretty wrong about it all.

It was good, though, I went through this phase of idiocy. It led up to my great sleep-in. My apathy became so strong I could not care to stay awake, which was a good thing too, because time spent sleeping was less time spent convincing myself I was special.

Sometimes I think that whole year of sleeping did something to me without doing anything to me. I relieved stress daily in multiple ways, playing games and sleeping plenty. I came out of it calm, collected and I felt a certain clarity in my mind going into senior year.

Ah, senior year. Finally, I had someone to call my own. Then I didn’t, then I did. What a rollercoaster it wasn’t. With my year-long nap, I effectively forgot all of my dark logic. Eventually, I figured it was time to think about doing something with my life, and yet, it wasn’t until I was forced to declare a major on my CSUN application that I said “Fuck it, I’m good with computers. CS it is.”

Despite being pretty boring, I still had the most fun that year. That should say a lot about my high school experience… if one could even call it that.

What did I gain from high school? To be frank, some math, a mastery of English and the idea that none of this existential bullshit really matters.

Just be reliable and nice to people. Don’t focus on yourself. Focus on how you treat the world.

Cee Lo Green - FUCK YOU

2010-08-28T12:09:00.000-07:00

A drop of your blood

2010-08-27T22:55:00.001-07:00

*sigh*

You say you feel immoral when I tell you about how long they had to wait.

You should.

I am very sure you do not know how to appreciate my love for you.

Being bitter is easy, I know, but what the fuck. If a situation is bad, all you're doing is making it worse. You could either be bitter, hateful, and say horrible shit, or you could belittle the situation and put yourself above it. Your choice.

Am I worth the pain you go through? You say that you don't like to dwell on it because it's destructive in nature. I say if you have the right answer, there is no need to think the destruction is possible. So I'm driven to think that there is doubt. Because the answer to that question is really the basis upon which our relationship was built and has been going on for as long as it has. I am willing to do anything to keep us together. Even take a stab in the heart if I have to. Not that you have to put the knife there to begin with, though.

Am I worth a drop of your blood?

Apathy is death. Bitterness is murder. Doubt is suicide.

Apathy is Death

2010-08-18T04:01:00.001-07:00

Love is nothing like what we hear or read about, nothing like what we see in life and in the movies. Love is never really explained, because few people have had the chance to truly experience it. Love is never really explained because nobody ever explains it properly. Except some select few people, whom I've read: "Love is giving someone the power to hurt you terribly, and hoping they never do." By this definition, we are both most definitely in love. However, what you don't look at is how rare our love is, how meaningful it is, how much we've been through and how destructive it would be to try and put a stop to it. It's nothing but pain, and I still can't understand why you let this happen, not once, but twice. I have every right to be angry about it, mind you. The first time through, it was ridiculous- who in their right mind leaves someone on the precipice of suicide? It was so soon after losing a great friend, no less. Yet I put it behind me, for the sake of being able to hold your hand and keep moving forward. I let it go. I told you that disconnecting yourself from me had a destructive power over your decisions. I told you, time and time again, that your reckless anger and ignorance would bring you down no other path than the one that brought us here. And yet here we stand. You have potentially made yet again, the biggest mistake in your life (According to you, not me). Even now, it was because of how you let this space between us become a real space between us.

I will not question you on this matter, and I don't think I am optimistic enough at this point to write you some mood-driven love letter about how I have all the time in the world to show you how I feel. Because it is pretty apparent from your actions that letters like those don't mean shit. And that makes me want to believe that love doesn't mean shit to you, either. That's very harsh and hard to swallow, but Daisy, as much as you may feel one way, your actions only speak what I can interpret as you just wanting to get out of this so you could conveniently find someone closer, willing to please you in every way you want. Some kind of person that would let you slide for doing these kinds of things.

Daisy, that person doesn't exist. Maybe my forgiveness has denied you the ability to learn from a relationship. So I'll spell it out.

Nobody, and I mean nobody could ever love you after something like this. Nobody but I. And I know this because I've loved you from the start, and I know this because I truly do not believe anyone could feel as strongly about you as I do.

It is very hard for me to keep moving forward in this kind of situation. But I need to for the sake of our future… whether or not you want to see one. I do, and it's all I have. Our future together is the only reason I wake up every morning and do what I need to do. It's the only reason I'm educating myself. It's the only reason I step on glass every time I am asked to for you. Please, I beg you, spend some time and think about how valuable and rare love is. Love is why I will not let you let me go. Love is why, even after you've tried to get rid of me twice over, I won't let it happen. Love makes me hurt myself in so many ways to make sure you have the best person for you. And I don't think anyone can do what I am willing to do for you.

[8/17/2010 11:46:13 PM] Daisy Orozco: what if i might have just made a horrible mistake...

Daisy, we all make mistakes, so tread lightly. Mind your actions. Think about what you have to lose before you take a step forward or a step backward. What confuses me most? Your reason for this decision is that you don't want to risk not being able to go back to what we used to be. Is that really a valid reason, or were you just looking for one and that happened to make sense to you? I look at it, and all I can say is that life is what you make of it, and if you want to enjoy it, then you need to try to enjoy it. We could be anything we wanted, if we really tried.

Stop ignoring what may not be great news. Stop ignoring what you don't like. Stop ignoring what your heart says. Stop ignorance.

Apathy is death. Remember that.

Apathy is death.

fortuna viola

2010-08-01T00:51:00.001-07:00

My vision must be really, really clouded right now. I look at all the people I know, and I realize that I don't know shit about anyone. I don't know anyone. I don't talk to any of these people. They're nobody to me. Names with faces. I stopped talking to these people a long time ago.

It all feels so irrelevant. Everything. Who can I identify with? I stand out from everyone I have ever known. I suppose being an individual is a good thing. One should identify with oneself, before others. And I do identify with myself. I'm true to what I am. But it sets me so far apart from everybody else, and that's something I'm having trouble stomaching. It's hard to swallow this kind of loneliness. Even the music won't fill that kind of void, and I hate that. I have nothing that I can look at and say, "this is worth not having that." I have nothing to outshine it.

And I am not hopeless. I am handicapped.

fortuna viola

Today is a numb day.

2010-06-05T23:56:00.001-07:00

I want to let out my breath and fall backwards into the ocean. I want to slowly sink down, with no sound but my own heartbeat. I want to watch the world fade away into darkness, while I watch it all pass. And I want never to come up for air.

If you don’t expect a future, it will never come

2010-05-28T16:52:00.001-07:00

Today's one of those bittersweet days

Here we go.

2010-05-24T01:46:00.001-07:00

I felt great until today.

Felt absolutely wonderful until today.

I hate my fucking life.

fallout

2010-05-18T04:18:00.001-07:00

If only big brother could see us now

Living merrily and not giving a hoot

Walking with our eyes closed

If only he would depart with his dear doubt

And live happily with happiness

If only little brother could see the example

We were setting, lying in coffins for beds

If only if only were less than two words

And more knowledge could be departed with

More to say and less to be heard

If only the day could divulge

the diversity of decisions decided

among moments in minutes

spent weeping and whining about the

ultimately untimely timing of that which

is not fate, but fallout

Falling apart, the bird is blue

2010-05-15T03:42:00.001-07:00

"I will always find my way into your eyes"

I want to fall asleep standing

Because if I lie down I'll be stuck wishing I was next to you

I don't even want to sleep

Because if I do I'll dream of you

I hate that everything in the world

stands right between us

But what can I do

I'm a hopeless, helpless, selfless, romantic

This bird's song is sad today.

The bird is blue.

The bird is me, missing you

I can't wait for the day where I can't sleep at night

Because I can't close my eyes

Because I can't take them off of you

Everything in the world is falling, slowly

And here I am, sitting amongst these slow-falling leaves, feathers, petals

Falling apart over you

I rue the day we fall, apart

Hostility hurts, love

i wish i was capable of making something beautiful

This is why I should sleep sooner

2010-05-04T02:05:00.001-07:00

[01:54] Au Au Tuki Tuki: Splitting the game into three episodes, protagonist is on a mission to save the world from powermad pseudogod she's in love with

[01:54] Nila Flux: the violinist is buzzing back and forth like a bee

[01:54] Nila Flux: goddamn

[01:55] Nila Flux: reprise

[01:55] Nila Flux: god damn

[01:55] Nila Flux: 3 discs

[01:55] Nila Flux: all bluray

[01:55] Nila Flux: for xbox

[01:55] Nila Flux: unplayable by everyone

[01:55] Nila Flux: worldwide chaos and confusion

[01:55] Nila Flux: nobody can understand why we made such a stupid decision

[01:55] Au Au Tuki Tuki: it ain't 3 games or 3 discs

[01:55] Nila Flux: japanese 12 year old finds way to encode game for xbox

[01:55] Nila Flux: rather

[01:55] Nila Flux: for ps3

[01:56] Nila Flux: outrage happens

[01:56] Nila Flux: mobs raid his house

[01:56] Nila Flux: kill his panda

[01:56] Nila Flux: HIS PANDA

[01:56] Au Au Tuki Tuki: japanese 12 year old has panda

[01:56] Au Au Tuki Tuki: THIS AIN'T A GAME

[01:56] Au Au Tuki Tuki: THERE ARE PANDAS

[01:56] Nila Flux: properly encoded copy of the game is shipped to the president of the united states

[01:56] Nila Flux: who subsequently murders his children in their sleep

[01:56] Au Au Tuki Tuki: what are you still doing up

[01:57] Nila Flux: this album

[01:57] Au Au Tuki Tuki: you are obviously being affected

[01:57] Nila Flux: upon completion of the game

[01:57] Nila Flux: the meaning of his life is realized

[01:57] Nila Flux: and he begins to plant bamboo indoors inside the whitehouse

[01:58] Au Au Tuki Tuki: http://images.4chan.org/co/src/1272963141490.png

[01:58] Au Au Tuki Tuki: quiet you

[01:58] Nila Flux: glenn beck capitalizes on the 'greenhouse' change and uses it as a way to symbolize the liberal far-left media in a nazi context

[01:59] Nila Flux: a fan in the audience has had enough

[01:59] Nila Flux: puts a hole in his head

[01:59] Nila Flux: people the world-round are cheering and the average IQ of the world has risen significantly

[01:59] Nila Flux: we become a self-sustaining population that eventually shuns the thought of a lifestyle based around -isms

[01:59] Au Au Tuki Tuki: ID guys wanting me to register voting

[02:00] Au Au Tuki Tuki: but i'd just wait until i go to snorkridge

[02:00] Nila Flux: the game becomes a prized token in history as a symbol of the courage

[02:00] Au Au Tuki Tuki: anyway

[02:00] Nila Flux: the courage of 3 young men

[02:00] Nila Flux: doing one thing

[02:00] Nila Flux: one thing that makes no sense whatsoever

[02:01] Nila Flux: we get monuments to our names

[02:01] Au Au Tuki Tuki: you are thinking too big

[02:01] Nila Flux: north korea dies

[02:01] Nila Flux: all of it

[02:01] Nila Flux: all of north korea dies

[02:01] Au Au Tuki Tuki: we will get one unmarked monument

[02:01] Au Au Tuki Tuki: a single monolith

[02:01] Au Au Tuki Tuki: in the middle of the great plains

[02:02] Nila Flux: etched into the monolith are unnecessarily detailed descriptions of our sex lives

[02:02] Au Au Tuki Tuki: unmarkedmonument

[02:02] Nila Flux: it is only visible to the eyes of people that perceive the fourth dimension

[02:02] Au Au Tuki Tuki: fourth dimension

[02:02] Nila Flux: and live in another plane of existence

[02:03] Au Au Tuki Tuki: must

[02:03] Au Au Tuki Tuki: sleep

[02:03] Nila Flux: Tea Party officials commit mass suicide

[02:03] Au Au Tuki Tuki: before fail life

[02:03] Nila Flux: a large, erect penis unearths itself

[02:03] Nila Flux: from the ground

[02:03] Nila Flux: the earth has grown an erection

[02:03] Nila Flux: the penis is you

[02:03] Nila Flux: alright

[02:03] Nila Flux: whatever i just said

[02:03] Nila Flux: something there

[02:03] Nila Flux: was magical

[02:03] Nila Flux: i know it

[02:04] Nila Flux: that felt so symbolic

[02:04] Nila Flux: The penis is you

i know i said i live my life with no regrets, but...

2010-04-30T01:48:00.000-07:00

i hate feeling this
i feel like i'm making this a big deal

i wish you would stay up and talk to me
why am i so convinced that sens/xuality is so important to a relationship

it's like you said
'despite you starting to begin to feel comfortable easing back into this, we should stop doing the thing you feel most comfortable to use as a segue back into normality'

i decided that seeing as you're the smarter one of us, i should just leave anything and everything to you.

if i can't stop myself from associating you with sexuality while i'm on my own, how can i hope to stop myself from wanting you when we're together

by the way, i enjoy pleasing you WAY more than i enjoy you pleasing me. i even told you. "I could do this forever."
and i'm pretty sure i rid you of that subconscious obligation a very, very long time ago

and using the pregnancy scare as an excuse is hardly related - i can't be sexually suggestive because you're afraid of pregnancy?
and i shouldn't use these scares as a reason to be more prepared next time?
well, fine. I won't expect it, then.

and fuck i hate that i'm in this relationship knowing we feel so fucking differently about it.
i am a like completely destroyed by the fact that you came so close to leaving me.
i know i've said i would leave you if things didn't change before, but even when they didn't change, i came to the fact that i love you so much that no matter how miserable i might end up getting, i would never leave you

and here you fucking go and do it
and for something so fucking unnecessary, and avoidable.
i fucking hate myself for even feeling that way about you and this relationship.
i've always felt my first biggest regret was not taking you to the prom.
my second regret was mistreating you in the wake of my own emotional trouble.
my third regret is trusting you with my emotions,
and my fourth regret is expecting you to even try and understand how my mind works.

there's no justice in a world where love is conditional.
this is bullshit.
we should not be here.
i shouldn't be feeling bad about being myself around you.
i'm not going to do anything stupid but i'm not going to be so fucking trusting.
I doubt that you know what kind of power you have over me.
and sometimes i think you just take after the people that hurt you.
god damn,
i gave you the power to hurt me and you used it.
again and again and again.
once to make me feel bad for ignoring you to pay respect to my uncle.
once to make me feel as bad as you did FOR THE SAKE OF MAKING ME FEEL BAD.
and now this.
And despite all of these, I stuck with you.

and i fucking hate that you still have this power.

i hate myself for being so loveblind.
i think i know what my brother meant when he said:
"You need to have your heart broken several times to know what real love is."
I get it now.
Love is making sure you're with someone that won't hurt you.
it's not about giving them that power.
it's about making sure you're so cold they don't have it to start with.

Cubism Dream

2010-04-27T00:25:00.000-07:00

it was a last day dream.
that's what it felt like.
small glimpses into the path,
your tantalizing smile,
the start of something,
the end of something.
watching it all go by,
and trying to say bye

we must be on different sides of the world;
i still can't understand...
how could you ever do something like this?
how could i ever do something like this?

she flew across the sea
we talked on a small screen
a cubism dream
the most beautiful squares i'd ever seen
the canvas was free
a gift good mother gave to me
we joked at how they talked so differently

i will never know what had rot my heart
it just came and went in the dark
i had changed into the certain kind of man
that could break your heart with his own hands

we were to scan our own towns
and make good on what we found
oh, what a fool i was to think
that i could get by on a smile and a wink
i make a friend, i make you sick
could you even imagine a kiss?
we spoke of how we talked so differently
i spoke of how i felt so differently

i will never know what had rot my heart
it just came and went in the dark
i had changed into the certain kind of man
that could break your heart with his own hands

so in australia, on halloween
i proved what our love meant to me
the suffering, the struggling
i did it for you
i did it for me

optimism doesn't undo the past;
eyes to the future doesn't mean it will last...
we have so much more to talk about:
it might've been over
but it's never really over
i hope you can see it now
and i hope i can be everything
that matters more than
what made you do it

my hands are getting lonely

please don't ever tread on my self-worth
even if you don't mean to
there's a lot of meaning when something is just 'fine'
i'm sorry i wasted your time doing something nice..
this is all i am, all that you call 'mine'..
i feel like a disgrace in the wake of that word.

i hate that i use all of this metaphorical language,
but the night is darkest before the sunrise...

Bootyhole remix

2010-04-25T21:24:00.000-07:00

Everything I do, I do for you

2010-04-25T19:07:00.001-07:00

I'm sorry I made you cry.

Things come up. Strong emotions confuse us and sometimes we lose control.

But people change. I know I've said that it's all bullshit, but you are my shining example of transformation. You became something beautiful, strong, and you made a very big decision. Although I disapproved of it, I am glad that you had the strength to do it, because one very important goal to me was to make you a stronger person.

I won't hurt myself anymore and I won't hurt you anymore. This is not the kind of person that I was to become. And every part of me is going to change – all in the name of love. My love for you is so strong. There is nothing stronger than this. No emotion, no distance, nothing that can stop me from loving you.

Nobody falls out of love. I know you aren't falling out of love. You may have said you were because it hurts. It hurts that I've done terrible things to you, myself, and this relationship. And you only wanted to end the pain. You didn't go through with what you thought would end the pain, and I'm so thankful that you didn't. It took the strength I draw from hearing you say: "I don't want to leave you. I want to see a future. I care about you. I'm worried about you." for me to realize I am so much more than a sad boy. I'm every part of you and you're every part of me.

You needn't remind me more. You've said it once, and it's going to stay with me.

You may not know what to say sometimes, and it's okay now; my optimism tells me that you do care. You do feel strongly about me, and the cold things you say sometimes are just your frustration speaking.

I'll do as you ask from now – I needn't be explained anymore that you feel about something; you will learn to express your emotions with time. And I'm a very patient guy.

I lost control for a very long time. I let it all slip out of my hands, even you.

I intend to get it all back and come out of this a stronger, better person for you. I will be a healthier person, like the example you've been setting. I will be strong for both of us, I will hold your hand, and I will follow you into the dark.

You are the best thing that has happened to me.

I'm not lost in my own thought or emotion, and were I to get lost again, I know that you are my beckoning light.

There aren't enough words for me to say that can match how strongly I feel for you; I've exhausted so much but still I've so much to say.

And I have the entire future to tell you.

Everything I do, I do for you.

I am so sorry.

2010-04-25T01:11:00.001-07:00

[01:09] Nila Flux: happiness is only worth having when shared.

[01:10] Nila Flux: and i want only to share my happiness with her.

I want to see you ♥

2010-04-19T04:20:00.001-07:00

Profound!

We're coming up from below

Didn't see you there.

Hey! Today is the day.

Look at me. Eye-to-eye. This is it. Every moment like this, reality sets in.

Can you feel it?

My heart is beating. I can never feel it. It must be with you.

This song is amazing. This band is awe-inspiring.

Remember the high school days? The high school daze?

What nostalgia. Can you feel it?

You are my strength. My endurance. With you by my side, nothing will harm me.

Woman, you're everything I live for.

When we're so far apart in body and mind, I'm dead.

This is a thirst only you can quench!

I want to hold your hands and spin around forever. I want the world to spin around and blur away.

All I wanna see is you!

Oh my love, where art thou?

Edward Sharpe and The Magnetic Zeros - Home

2010-04-18T04:13:00.001-07:00

[Her:]
Alabama, Arkansas,
I do love my ma and pa,
Not the way that I do love you.

[Him:]
Holy, Moley, me, oh my,
You're the apple of my eye,
Girl I've never loved one like you.

[Her:]
Man oh man you're my best friend,
I scream it to the nothingness,
There ain't nothing that I need.

[Him:]
Well, hot and heavy, pumpkin pie,
Chocolate candy, Jesus Christ,
Ain't nothing please me more than you.

[Both:]
Ahh Home. Let me come home
Home is wherever I'm with you.
Ahh Home. Let me go ho-oh-ome.
Home is wherever I'm with you.

La, la, la, la, take me home.
Mother, I'm coming home.

[Him:]
I'll follow you into the park,
Through the jungle through the dark,
Girl I never loved one like you.

[Her:]
Moats and boats and waterfalls,
Alley-ways and pay phone calls,
I've been everywhere with you.

[Him:]
We laugh until we think we'll die,
Barefoot on a summer night
Nothin' new is sweeter than with you

[Her:]
And in the streets you run afree,
Like it's only you and me,
Geeze, you're something to see.

[Both:]
Ahh Home. Let me go home.
Home is wherever I'm with you.
Ahh Home. Let me go ho-oh-ome.
Home is wherever I'm with you.

La, la, la, la, take me home.
Daddy, I'm coming home.

(Talking)
Him: Jade
Her: Alexander
Him: Do you remember that day you fell outta my window?
Her: I sure do, you came jumping out after me.
Him: Well, you fell on the concrete, nearly broke your ass, you were bleeding all over the place and I rushed you out to the hospital, you remember that?
Her: Yes I do.
Him: Well there's something I never told you about that night.
Her: What didn't you tell me?
Him: While you were sitting in the backseat smoking a cigarette you thought was gonna be your last, I was falling deep, deeply in love with you, and I never told you til just now.

[Both:]
Ahh Home. Let me go home.
Home is wherever I'm with you.
Ahh Home. Let me go ho-oh-ome.
Home is where I'm alone with you.

[Him:]
Home. Let me come home.
Home is wherever I'm with you.

[Her:]
Ahh home. Yes I am ho-oh-ome.
Home is when I'm alone with you.

[Her:]
Alabama, Arkansas,
I do love my ma and pa...
Moats and boats and waterfalls,
Alley-ways and pay phone calls...

[Both:]
Ahh Home. Let me go home.
Home is wherever I'm with you.
Ahh Home. Let me go ho-oh-ome.
Home is where I'm alone with you...

brushstroke

2010-04-08T04:01:00.001-07:00

Radiohead, radiohead, radiohead.

You take me places I love. Every sound is beautiful. Thank you for existing.

Nude is one of the best songs ever made. God damn. I want Nude playing at my funeral.

This is inspiring.

I wish I wasn't poor. I want a fucking keyboard. I want to be able to express myself with music.

I want to share what I hear inside with you.

I'm a painter without a canvas.

A (real) journal post

2010-04-07T03:22:00.001-07:00

I think this is becoming routine, this idea of a daily entry of my thoughts, nonsensical as they may be. I think I need to do this, considering I don't write as a practice nearly as much as I should be. I want to encourage others to do the same, as a sense of insight into what everyone's thinking, what page we're all on. A way to keep each other updated, per se. WE SHOULD ALL BE COOL AND BLOG, I MEAN. It feels like a good idea, and a good use of time.

Today was a slow day. If it were otherwise I probably wouldn't have written this. It feels like filler material either way. My mind just doesn't want to push out any content at the moment, anyway, so don't get your hopes up.

More ideas will come, and as they do, they will be put here.

Maybe I'll use this place as a journal, too. I hope I don't gruel you with my daily happenings. You can skip them if you wish.

I watched the end of Ponyo, finally. It was good. I want to see what Ponyo would look like as a teenager and an adult, for the sake of how adorable she is in the movie. While this movie wasn't my favorite, I still feel Ghibli deserves a clap or two for the imagery. The story and lessons in the movie weren't all that great. Spirited away is still their (visually and intellectually) best movie.

Also, I've been wearing a lid, lately. And I'm not shaving until Sunday. I'll post a Spring beard picture here, of course.

Live on.

I am nothing without you.

2010-04-06T03:48:00.001-07:00

Some things are unreasonable. There are a lot of things you say that are within the definition of unreasonable. As in, I don't get your reasoning.

I need to know that you are happy.

And if you are not, and don't know why, then there is no reason for you to be unhappy.

You are so very beautiful. Give me one good reason why you can't say that about yourself.

April’s Fool

2010-04-05T04:11:00.001-07:00

Is it the music that brings this on, or the lack thereof? Why does it happen, regardless?

I want to say it is difficult to explain, because putting it in words doesn't seem to completely describe the feeling itself. Nonetheless, I'll try.

When I fall, who will catch me? On this night, at this very moment, were I to fall, do I have open arms to fall into?

And if I do fall, are those arms merely an illusion? Is the security merely a sense? Is it a ruse, on the basis of which we are duct-taped together? I feel no reassurance when the answer to my question is "what is your idea of caring?"

Should I have to answer such a question? I've always thought caring about someone to be something that need not be taught. But I digress – maybe it is that my idea of caring truly is that different from yours.

Caring is worriedly responding to my misery, for one. I feel a little disappointed, but I'm definitely not surprised.

I feel the only direction that this will head towards is some sort of proclamation that I am ultimately alone, as I was born, and as I will die. Because I cannot spend every waking moment and thought with you, or someone, anyone, I am stricken with this incredible and overwhelming loneliness. It is ironically productive. It also seems as though I think when the music is playing, and while it is not, my thoughts are literally on this page before they pass through my mind. I want to reference a movie where I'd heard someone say "Write first, think later" – but I can't remember the god-damned title. I don't think I'd ever heard it, either. It was only that one scene that I think I had ever seen out of the movie… but I guess it stuck to me.

It is somewhat shameful, too, that I am a little jealous of you. The truth rears its ugly head. You've got friends that you can see, though not at a minute's notice, you can see them the day you wish to. It may not be so much jealousy as it is just a moderate envy.

I hate this loneliness, and I hate that I can say in clear contradiction, that I have a family that would listen – but even then, some kind of insecurity denies me of this; I don't think they'll ever see the real me, if I can even say there is any other version of me. It would not so much be a different person, but rather a lot more of me than I let on. I want to say that it is some of my fucked-up thoughts and imagery, among other things, and the distinction between me and every single other person on the planet – the way my mind works, the way I am able to write something like this, and the way I see the world.

Where is this headed? Are these momentary relapses into depression a precursor to something big? I've always thought I was strong enough to fend off any sort of real depression, and truth be told, I could only gauge my current emotion at a 'misery'. Where that is on the scale is up to you. All in all, I hope I don't go further south. I hope I see some change, or at least an infrequency or complete vanquishing of this attitude. I hate it, but I can't logically irrationalize it… so, I guess I'm stuck with it.

Here's hoping I see another 600 words to write to you.

from me to you.

2010-03-11T16:47:00.000-08:00

Daisy,
Love is giving someone the power to hurt you. And in that sense, it is being completely honest with how you feel. I believe that above all, in love, solidarity is the key. Two people becoming one, per se. In love, if it isn't the full truth that you love every aspect of your other half, it is not real love. I understand that putting your best foot forward sounds like the safest deal, but in the end, do you want to live your life knowing all you ever gave to me was never really all you had?
Please, show me the real you. Even if it hurts me, nothing can break my love or optimism towards us. I don't hide my darkness from you because I trust you to understand why it exists in the first place, and like you should do with me, I trust you to help me live with it.
I also feel like hiding the truth is as dishonest as lying about it. And lying is what hurts more than anything else. Carrying on with one is false pretense... And this kind of stuff will eventually snowball into an avalanche. It is hard, I know, but not NEARLY as difficult as it is to deal with when it all starts to connect.
And knowing that someone hid something from you destroys the very trust a relationship stands on. Suspicion becomes commonplace. Then the suspicion becomes distrust. And so on and so forth, until it ends with the death of love.
I don't want to see this future, but when you say you keep things from me just because you don't like to talk about it, this future starts to seem more and more plausible.
Daisy - you are everything to me. I know how selfish it sounds for me to ask this of you, but please understand that it is because I don't want anything to get between us. No anger, no anguish. We are already so far away from each other. Lets not let our hearts follow.
I know that I kept saying that your problems can only be helped by you, because at the time I felt hopeless. But now my heart says I CAN help you deal with this. I used to always feel it, and somewhere along the way, the feeling faded away. But it is back now. All I ask is that you do one thing.
Tell me what you feel and let me tell you how I feel.. The faith that something great will come of it will never seem real unless you give it a chance. Just let it happen. And if something bad happens from it, realize that it will only make us stronger.
I hope writing this letter was the right way to go about this.
I love you.
Ricky.

Unhappy Birthday

2010-02-12T00:32:00.000-08:00

If the body is the baby, the mind is the knife and the heart is the grave
every year, that knife goes deeper, the grave gets bigger, and the baby gets older.

Synchronize

2010-01-13T02:58:00.000-08:00

One day we’ll all be apart
Alone, together, forever
It will start with our thought
And end with our heart

But for today, let me say
It’s been a pleasure, really
And I’d like to make it last
If that’s not too much to ask

this song was going to be a lot longer but the feeling disappeared.

Confusion

2010-01-08T03:53:00.001-08:00

The world is very confusing. That being said, your will to make sense of the nonsensical world is more sensible than making nonsensical decisions that fit right in. Sense should give you the ability to stick right out. Make worth from the rubble you lie buried under. And when it's all done, don't be surprised if you're still confused.

alone together

2009-12-31T03:15:00.000-08:00

Alone in space,
together among the stars,
we hold hands and carry distress, while we
are relieved by our descent.
blinded by the darkness,
envisioning the speckled haze.
the emptiness of the expanse;
creation among the stars
of man and woman, to each their own.
destruction of doubt will bring us together.
continue to divide,
to entropy and certain uncertainty, and
love all, even that which you cannot control

Word of the day

2009-12-26T19:46:00.001-08:00

Rain.
If you love it, you probably haven't driven in it. You more than likely haven't had a day spoiled by it, and you probably don't care about the cold you get afterwards. Rain is easy on your pocket, but could ruin the contents. Destroys electronics, but brings life up out of the ground. Its a free car wash, and a statue-killer. Feels good when it starts, but pouring rain is a drag. Takes away homes, washes away sadness, sometimes bringing with it a different kind. Rain is hard to read; random, clear, and powerful. Today was not a rainy day.

A Door To The Heart

2009-11-21T00:35:00.001-08:00

it's hard to find the right key for a door to the heart
and you can look in every empty hole in every pocket
while you wonder why anyone ever wanted to lock it
and you spent all night and day looking for the right key
but it never really seemed like you had the one it might be

a little too few and a little too fast
this one's too big and that one's too fat
none of these will fit into a little lock like that

stepped out for a minute, but of course you would wait
stepped back in and left a trail of tears
and left the door open and asked you to please come inside
the rain was pouring and you seemed like a real nice guy

then you took your first step forward
and you felt that strength
and you opened it slowly and put a hand inside
first you called in a warning
then you took a peek without using your eyes

then you told yourself that you had nowhere to hide

and there was something in there that you wanted to find

but there was nothing in there that you had in mind

you filled an empty hole in a falling home
and you've never been alone or felt anything so cold
you didn't make this decision all on your own
and you didn't bother to see if it was a heart you could hold

the first floor fell and you were there to catch it
the second floor fell and you were there to hatch it
the third floor fell and you didn't know if you could hold it
you wished the fourth floor would stay so you could walk away

but it hit you like a bullet and you were in a daze
and before you could recover you were there to stay

you will talk about your trouble and how this was a big mistake
and all you'll ever wonder was if you picked the right heart to break

Handicapped

2009-11-16T19:47:00.001-08:00

Saw this when daisy and I went to the park.

Here I am

2009-11-04T17:53:00.001-08:00

Untitled

2009-11-04T00:20:00.001-08:00

Blog test

Body goes here.

streaming while i enjoy guido's pizza and champagne from a paper cup.

2009-10-09T19:23:00.000-07:00

"Go for the future" doesn't mean leave the past behind.

when you take flight, don't leave your wings grounded.

you may jump, but you will always be tethered.

there's always less to see and more to remember.

keep moving forward, but hold my hand

feathers and petals

2009-10-07T20:51:00.001-07:00

this flower hovers at the top of the hill,
partnered by a bluebirds cheerful chirp.

under the feathery blue wings she'll lie asleep,
ready to rise, jump, fly, and leap

and should she ever lose a petal,
this bird will flutter forth and find that bastard.

should the petals ever choose to hide their glow,
it will be ready to refresh them with its summery hope.

should the stem ever lean too far and begin to break,
it will be ready with a handful of tape.

don't worry lover,
i'll keep you safe

interaction with a glowing flower

2009-05-29T01:59:00.000-07:00

heavy cloud of emotions inside of me
weighing me down like an apple-sized bullet in my heart
it's hard to breathe without grasping around for the right air
and i try to breath out my emotions but no whim seems to get the job done
my eyes are burning with a lack of aspiration and the need to cry my eyes out but my heart and my mind won't let the tears form
it's oft that i hear that sometimes you just need to let out the tears and emotion
but i don't have the tears to give nor the mental posture to cry and i don't think my emotional situation could handle it
my tears are falling inside
i feel like i'm on a sinking ship
i'm the only one
and i stand there at the wheel
i'm trying to steer a sinking ship
you could try to help me but nobody is in my mind but me at the end of this all
could any human being truly comprehend the melody of emotions that are flowing through me right now
could any human being comprehend the emotions of another
or is it all just assumptions based on experiences
of course there will always be someone going through much worse.
maybe we give our two cents to help each other make a decision
a decision of sorts to get rid of the emotional knot that a person is tied up in
because it's hard to be friends with someone that's tied up
maybe it's two cents we give so we can ignore each other with reason
two cents isn't shit in the light of the rest of the dollar
i want to say the output ends there but emotion is eternal
every moment has its emotion
and that can't be changed
the emotion for this moment is disability.

A new concept to grasp.

2008-07-27T03:40:00.000-07:00

I'm looking at this with many different eyes; teary eyes, dry eyes, sleepless eyes. Many, many different eyes, focusing on this one concept:
If desire is the root of all interaction, what is the root of desire? Is it as raw as any element, or is it a part of the human psyche to desire? It's completely unclear to see from any of my eyes, so this concept will always remain clouded.

Worthiness

2008-07-27T03:36:00.000-07:00

Is it worth it?

Hate, discrimination, money.
Is it worth it?

Let's start from hate and descend to money.

Hate, first off, is quite the powerful word, simply because hate can be many things. You hate the bastard that left gum on the floor for you to step on, you hate the man that killed your father, you hate why you can't have something you yearn for.
The point is, how can anyone gain from saying something like this? Is there no hope for the people that live in America; are we REALLY that ignorant? (Sorry to anyone that doesn't live in america, but, erm, this is quite a big issue in America.)

And why does anyone deserve to die?
Who gave you the choice of whether or not someone lives or dies?

I can understand the concept of vengeance and revenge, but doing so only makes you the same as what you so hate.

When the hell will people get over themselves?

Discrimination.

Oh boy, need I say anything at all?
Discriminating against someone for ANY reason at all is unfair, and, well, being fair is what makes the world go round.
Division, in definition, means to separate, right? Separation most often, if not always, results in conflict, right?

Money.

money money money. root of all evil.
people die over money, people live for money, people treasure and go INSANE over money.

Haha, oh wow.

Sure, the more money you have, the better your quality of life. Simple concept.

But, looking at it more broadly, currency was made to settle the problem of fair trade, right?
If I'm not mistaken, giving something any value at all defeats the purpose. I wear an iron bracelet on my wrist as a sign of "I don't give a fuck about whether I'm rich or poor." It's not gold, it's not silver, it's not diamond studded. It's iron. The religious value of it is besides the point, because, well, my religion is besides the point too.
...
It all depends on someone ultimate aims in life. Being racist can be rooted in all kinds of things, but it's mostly rooted in the willful suspension of logic. People have faith that there is a system that works, but it's being ground to a halt or their misfortune is linked to a particular ethnic cline.

It's like all of the anti-semetic sentiment in the weimar republic around hitler's ascension. Despite all of the overwhelming evidence to the contrary that Jews were responsible for the world's ills, people still clung to it as a driving philosophy. People often rely on the most convenient excuse for their troubles than an unknown and complex one.

It's like the dumb cousin of Occham's Razor.

It's sad because the nature of racism, at it's most fundamental, is to set the odds against someone's favor and ensure that they are never able to measure up. By holding minorities to an impossible standard in our mind, we ensure that racism wins. Whenever a black man is arrested, we simply make a tick mark in our mind and carry on; another strike against an entire race or a "oh well" type of attitude that we wouldn't actually use if we were talking about someone of the same or less-sensationalized ethnicity.

Mentally, our minds may go through very different thoughts when we hear about a white person being implicated in a robbery and a black one. That requires a degree of self-examination to truly hit home, but it does.

The same holds true for mexicans, haitians, etc.

...

It also works in reverse. In certain ethnic communities you hear a lot of cautioning from older parents, telling their children "they don't respect you for yourself, they'll drop you when they get the chance, etc", but it's all geared towards a hostile outlook of the world around them. White people really can't measure up in the eyes of other minorities, at times, because every action is perceived as a slight or a deliberate hostility.

...

It's hard to appeal to strong emotion and impossible to supplant faith. Of course, that doesn't stop people from trying. If only people were more willing to question their beliefs critically instead of simply obeying authority for obedience's sake.

Overall, it's much easier to just believe when your friends, family and relatives also believe. It's a terrible interia.

...

In my life

2007-10-01T23:09:00.002-07:00

There are places I remember
All my life though some have changed
Some forever not for better
Some have gone and some remain
All these places have their moments
With lovers and friends I still can recall
Some are dead and some are living
In my life I've loved them all

But of all these friends and lovers
There is no one compares with you
And these memories lose their meaning
When I think of love as something new
Though I know I'll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I'll often stop and think about them
In my life I love you more

Though I know I'll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I'll often stop and think about them
In my life I love you more
In my life I love you more

Summer blues.

2007-10-01T00:13:00.000-07:00

It's like nothing good can ever come of spare time. When you have time to think, you have time to realize what you've been doing and what's wrong. And you have enough time to realize what's really going on. You lose the hope to press on. Now, I don't enjoy staying on a sad topic, but hey, it's summer blues.

Well.. to be frank, I don't feel so amazing right now. I don't know... maybe it's just that I've been thinking too much..

I don't see the good in anything anymore. And as time goes on, I'm beginning to see completely different sides of people. Most unfortunately though, A person I buried long ago is returning to me, this person whom I had resented so much. He or it has no name, but he grips my mind and thrusts me into depression... at the least expected times. I can feel it inside, the being created from raw emotion making attempts to claw back to the surface; back into the mental image... And I don't think I can hold him back much longer. Not... not with what has been happening as of late.

In any case, though, I shall not let any of this get to me. I am determined, and no one will take that away from me.